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Ah yes, some days just don’t go quite like you planned. One day your running free in the jungle and then you felt a little stick and you wake up behind bars with dry hay to eat instead of the fresh garden in which you ran free.

I just got released from the hold of a hospital bed. I felt it was just another of my familliar panic attacks, but my BP went to 247/143 with a pulse rate of 133. I took my regular meds, but just could not get it down and the need to breathe was getting harder and harder. So, we call 911 and it is off to the hospital. A bunch of nice people ( the EMT’s and hospital nurse’s were just incredible), but I would have much met them all someplace for a beer.

The cardiologist was firmly convinced I had experienced a heart attack and must have some blockage in my heart. So, pokes, prods, needles, ekgs, cardiograms of several types and the worst a chemical stress test. So strange to be injected with a drug and see and feel your heart race to 150 beats per minute in less than 60 seconds. Kind of felt like a panic attack.

And in the end, after all the tests it was what I originally thought, a panic attack.

I wonder if the gorilla has figured out his dilemma?

I”m living life free, as it should be, just as I am……peace out….jasL

Shades of Gray from Grayson Co, TX #856…Monday morning, feeling flat.

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Some days you just kind of feel stuck. Sort of like the ball in the middle. A little deflated and wanting more air. A little more bounce in your dribble.

The air leaks out so slowly that before you know it and without realizing it, things start to cave and go flat.

Now, where did I leave that pump?…†…monos en theos…jim

Shades of Gray from Grayson Co, TX #838 – Change, Why is It so Hard?

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We have yet to have any really cold or fall like weather, yet the leaves seem to know it is time for change.

I can say it. I can feel it. I can listen to Sam Cooke tell me that “A change goin’ to come”. But, why is it so hard. I sometimes wish I could adapt to my surroundings and change like the leaves.

Yet despite the want and the know, I cling to what I am. I most often feel that I don’t quite fit in. Not from the lack of trying. I feel like a river that has been dammed.

“You don’t have to fear change. What you need to fear is things remaining the same. When that happens, life has stopped.” Melody Beattie

monos en theos…†…jim

Shades of Gray from Grayson Co, TX #816 – BE THE RED CHAIR

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There is an old deserted church in our neighborhood, Pleasant Grove Baptist.

It has a castle like and crumbling exterior. I have been building the nerve to take a peak inside.

Amidst the rubble, trash and decay sat this beautiful red chair where the altar had once been.

I listened to hear the stories it could bear witness to, but all I heard was the need to be like the red chair. To sit amongst the rubble. To stand firm and retain your form even when it all seems to be falling apart.

monos en theos…†…jim

Shades of Gray from Grayson Co, TX #814 – Black dog = Blue monster

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“The only reason you are alive is that far more has

gone right for you than has gone wrong. Your dreams

are for your joy; even if they lie crushed on the ground,

you need not make them responsible for misery. If you

raise your eyes from the shards you’ll find more dreams

all around, and many of them can come true.”

Enjoyment is in the Waiting…Insight From Martha

yeah yeah yeah….but the black dog still bites and the blue monster still clings…†…monos en theos…jim

Shades of Gray from Grayson Co, TX #800 – Where is that light @ the end of the tunnel?

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I don’t know that I have had the death of anyone close to me effect me any more than that of Robin Williams. I am right now in a small West Texas town on a work assignment. While getting coffee this morning the breakfast bar was a buzz with “smart ass” comments about his suicide. Sadly,red necks trying to be funny rarely are.

I wanted to scream something, but the words would not come, only tears. It made me so glad that I do not live in this part of Texas any longer.

I came back to my room and the blog below was in my email. Had to share. It is said with words that I can’t find right now.

Reblogged form Inspired RD:

I’ve been coming across some incredible posts on depression and suicide since the tragic death of Robin Williams. I wanted to share some of them with you. Please feel free to leave comments with other links you have found helpful this week.

Thoughts on depression, suicide, and being a Christian by Nish Weiseth

But there’s another kind of evil lurking around the halls of the depressed, and it’s the belief that those who are stricken with depression (or any mental illness) are suffering because of their lack of faith in Jesus. “If only you’d pray for more joy,” people say. “If only you’d ask God to take the pain.”  Or, “Is there unresolved sin in your life?” Or how about this one, “If you’d just meditate more on God’s Word…”

Folks, saying someone is depressed or suicidal because they aren’t praying enough, are self-absorbed, sinful, or don’t have a deep enough faith? It’s abusive. And it needs to stop. Now.

The depressed Christian: Why the dark night is no measure of your soul by Megan Tietz

In that season, I went back to my roots: reading the Bible, praying, singing songs of praise, trying to keep gratitude lists. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I prayed, no matter how often I cried out, I couldn’t force my mind to course-correct. I was acutely aware of how broken my brain was but felt absolutely powerless to fix it.

And yet in the midst of that dark time, my heart absolutely thrilled with joy. Watching the boys sleep next to each other, tucked into each other because that’s how you sleep when that’s all you know – it made my heart crack wide open with joy. Silly conversations and long hugs from my girls, giggly text messages from my husband … yes, there was light and joy and love and moments of clarity in the midst of those hard, hard days.

Why “YOU ARE NOT ALONE” Is A Lie by Carlos Whittaker

Imagine for a moment…
You are surrounded by every single person in the world who loves you.
There is a celebration of who you are and there is a huge party happening.
Everyone is waiting to talk to YOU and tell you that they love you and you are amazing.
Sounds awesome huh?

Now imagine you are in a space suit.
You can barely hear what anyone is saying and although you are being hugged, you can’t feel anything.
In the midst of not being “alone”…
You are alone.

In which depression is NOT your fault by Sarah Bessey

Since the tragic death of Robin Williams, I have seen some terrible, misinformed, and abusive bullsh*t online about depression and mental illness. This normally wouldn’t be enough to make me type as passionately as I am right now but this stuff is coming from a few vocal and influential Christians. I see it being shared around on social media like candy. And it makes my blood boil and my heart ache.

I hate to think of my beloved people reading that kind of damaging stuff. Heaping condemnation and guilt and fear on the heads of the suffering is akin to tying a millstone around someone’s neck. This is a heinous and evil thing to do.

Robin Williams’ Death: a reminder that suicide and depression are not selfish by Dean Burnett

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; dismissing the concerns of a genuine depression sufferer on the grounds that you’ve been miserable and got over it is like dismissing the issues faced by someone who’s had to have their arm amputated because you once had a paper cut and it didn’t bother you. Depression is a genuine debilitating condition, and being in “a bit of a funk” isn’t. The fact that mental illness doesn’t receive the same sympathy/acknowledgement as physical illness is oftenreferenced, and it’s a valid point. If you haven’t had it, you don’t have the right to dismiss those who have/do. You may disagree, and that’s your prerogative, but there are decades’ worth of evidence saying you’re wrong.

Find your light. Rinse and repeat…†…monos en theos…….jim